Explorers 4/5 Stars for nostalgia

Oh I miss being 11 years old. The times before girls were just jiggly problems waiting to happen and the best thing in the world was having dad let me use his 9/16th to raise the seat on my Huffy. What a lovely time.

There's few movies that kicked in the wow factor more than Explorers did every time I saw it as a kid. It's got it all, the geeky kid that's too nerdy to fit in, (Ethan Hawk) the super geek kid that's too geeky to realize he should be trying (River Phoenix) and the kid with the engine obsession and abusive dad that's living with it quite nicely, thank you very much!

They also have Robert Picardo to do all the aliens! I dunno if he was already bald in this, those thick rubber masks kinda hide his dome.

This movie brings space and sci-fi to the after school special crowd so well. The kids figure out how to build a bubble out of a 9V battery and a cheapo 128k Commodore, I think, and after solving some problems about not being able to breath and needing a place to put their snacks on the flight they head out for the stars.

The aliens' father shoes up and chews them out for stealing the car to go slumming around on earth so they have to hit the eject button on the kids after telling them it's "Space Pirates" that are attacking the ship. Of course the wrench head kid doesn't believe it for a second and calls them on pissed off daddy.

I could pretty much put myself in just about every kids shoes in this movie. I was the geeky kid who knew every line from "This Island Earth" and "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and I also wrote my first video game in 3rd grade while on detention for beating up a 6th grader. Oh and I had a mini-bike. Tho mine almost killed me more than it took me to school!

I love these old movies that leave you with a sence of hope and the feeling that even the biggest outcast loser can be a hero if he just keeps on trucking.

This is high on the nostalgia stack for me, along with.

Ice Pirates
The Goonies
The Last Starfighter
D.A.R.Y.L.
Time Bandits
Conan
Willow
and Real Genius

I'll try to catch at least one of these a week just for something to write about.

Oh, and 4/5 stars for reminding an old cynic that life looked ok when I was ramping up for it!

Review of Babel

Babel is a delightful romp through Hollywood's decline of storytelling. Running right along with other crap fests like Crash we have a story with no structure whatsoever using unrelated happenstances to attempt to confuse people into thinking there is something in this movie that they don't "get" so they will think it must be "deep".

In story number one, we have a perverted little Iraqi kid jacking off to his sister. No point to this at all, his sex problems don't advance the story at all. His father trades a goat for a gun and he shoots a lady (Cate Blanchett) who's pissed at her hubby (Brad Pitt) for making her be in Iraq. She doesn't die. There is no development of any character. Nothing happens that changes things for anyone.

Story number two, sex starved DEAF Japanese girl. Can't make boys fuck her, so she flashes people and acts slutty. Tries to fuck a dentist and a cop. Shows some nice titties. Would have worked just as good if she wasn't deaf. No point to her doing the drugs and still not getting laid. There is nothing in the whole story other than "mom died, I'm sad and horney" the rest is filler.

(I actually had to look up what story number three was, in the two hours from watching this movie to writing the review I was so underwhelmed that I forgot about 1/3rd of this non-story. )

Story number three, stupid Mexican nanny has to take a couple of American kids to Mexico for a wedding. Her dirt bag drunken nephew or son or something runs the border and abandons them all in the desert. Dead chickens scare the kids, Mexican rednecks dance. Still waiting for SOMETHING to happen that has anything to do with the plot.

Finnaly you see that Cate doesn't die, the nanny goes to jail and the Japanese girl is still sad. No development up to it, it's almost like they say "Wait, wait, wait.... Ok, everyone's the same as they were this movie never actually happened! GOTCHA!"

None of these stories stands by itself. Neither do they stand together. Sure, a tenuous link that the white lady on the bus was the mom of the kids in Mexico and the dad in Japan gave the Iraqi who gave the Iraqi who gave the Iraqi kid the gun is enough of a connection for the short story writer that came up with these three abortions to put them into a movie, but it's not enough for me to not think I'm looking at MS NBC jumping back and forth about crap that is happening in other parts of the world.

I really can't stand these chop and hitch stories that allow lazy screenwriters to fill a two hour slot with whatever crap fell out of their trash bin and get people to pay $20 to sit in a theater. Come on people, demand actual stories. If you don't get it, it doesn't mean your stupid. It doesn't mean that it's deep. It means that you are NOT entertained by it.

Call it what it is. DON'T GIVE IT A GODDAMN OSCAR and flush it down the john.

2 of 5 stars for good casting and nice titties.

Review of Cemetery Man 5/5 for spun

It's been about ten years of searching for this movie. An old roomy of mine had it on VHS from somewhere, and I couldn't find it anywhere. Netfix didn't have it, BB video also no go.

So I found it where I found The Maxx in digital form, on the uber-pirate web! I jammed the cemetery man down the tube and it didn't block any bigwig republican money data, more's the pity.

The zombies are pretty much an every day thing for our fine hero, who's mother hung Frank of the Dead on him rather than giving him a real name. This movie is French, so he actually goes by Francisco Dellamorte. He's been running this cemetery for years, and takes out the three day risers as a matter of nightly life. They queue up at his office door, since he and Gnaghi are the only two tasty tidbits within the walls of the cemetery.

Then it gets crazy. Gnaghi who is a shy round mute dude who only says "gna!" throughout the movie meets the mayors daughter, she dies, and he falls in love with her rotting corpse. Franco falls in love with a crazy widow who has a thing for his ossuary "dead body room" furnished with bone sculptures, and they do the bone dance in the bone room. After a few dead skeleton hands pinch her ass and take off all her clothes!

Oh, she dies.

Then there's a bus crash, she comes back, gets killed again, comes back again, gets burnt down, comes back, gets shot, then Franco cuts off his junk, chemically, finds out that she's in love with a dude who raped her, so he kills her, then she's a hooker so he kills her again....

Wow, it's crazy. Then he kills his insurance dude buddy and a whole shitload of nuns, which is great, and they leave town.

If you can't find this movie, I'd gladly loan it to you if you live in my town. Everyone who loves zombies has to see this one!

Best part of the movie: OMFG! Those marshmallows burn FOREVA!

Teh worstest: Having to look for ten fucking years to find it.

5/5 stars! BIG STARS!

Samsung SCH-A950 5/5 and 0/5

The Samsung SCH-A950 for Verizon Wireless.  DO NOT BUY THIS PHONE!  The phone looks awesome on paper.  It looks awesome in your hand, even though it is bigger than any phone I have had to carry for almost five years.  It has STEREO SPEAKERS!  Wooo.  Transflash wooo.  bluetooth wooo

You see this is some awesome hardware, Samsung has a winner on it's hands.  This PHONE supports full mp3 player capabilities directly from transflash, it has Bluetooth for transfering those files, syncing your phonebook and even watching video!  I mean, this thing replaces your phone, your iPooood video and even your PDA if you just do calendar syncing.  Or it did until Verizon, the king of hardware disabling Get It Now! (pay for it forever) $0.25 a shot for ringtones and photo transfers raped it and disabled EVERYTHING.  Lets lay it out here.

Hardware Supported - Full free functionality if you have a bluetooth or usb port on your PC.
Bluetooth File Transfer
Bluetooth Dial Up Networking
Bluetooth Calendar Sync
Bluetooth Phonebook Sync
Bluetooth Headphones
MP3 Ringtones
MP3 Player
Video

After Verizon "Value Adding"
Bluetooth File Transfer - Not available at any price
Bluetooth Dial Up Networking - Not available at any price
Bluetooth Calendar Sync - Not available at any price
Bluetooth Phonebook Sync - Not available at any price
Bluetooth Headphones - Can still do that
MP3 Ringtones - $2 a pop for ringers, can be hacked to play renamed mp3 files w hacker magic.
MP3 Player - Disabled in software, can rip wma's with WMP10, but they lose a LOT of quality and sound like shit.
Video - $15 a month, only what is in library, or $4 a pop for "Music Videos" that even MTV realizes suck and won't play.

I have sent this POS back to Verizon, who by the way tried to sell me the same phone w a free "$80" headset that is worth $19.99 on other sites for $179.99 in their brick and mortor store when they KNEW it was on sale on the website for $79.99 with the same damn headset and everything.

Verizon, if it wasn't for multi-year lock in you would have ZERO customers at all.  Your bullshit gets worse with every phone you distribute.

Samsung, I love ya!  I've been using your phone hardware for four years!  They work great when Verizon doesn't try to turn them into vehicles for their failing VCAST bullshit.

Verizon wins the asshat of the year award and gets two thumbs down.
Samsung gets two thumbs up for having a kick ass phone even if i can't use it!

Harry Potter and the GOBLET OF FIRE! --- fire is kewl 3/5 stars

Now don't get me wrong, I do love a good goblet of fire. I mean, who doesn't! But this movie is not really about a Goblet o' Firey evilness or even of Firey goodness. It's about that wizard kid, you know the one who's in those books that your nieces and nephews fight over when you bring them by? (yes I have Harry Potter)

The movie was quite good, the kids are growing up and Harry is starting to look like some skinny british nose monster. Puberty is not being kind to Daniel Radcliffe but who is it kind to? Poor guy is famous and he looks like he's already 30.

Anyways, the movie starts out with yet another Harry Potter standard wizard academic contest, but THIS time it's REALLY dangerous! OMG! Which is great except for the fact that this movie suffers from one of the things any movie in a franchise must suffer from. It's a Harry Potter movie. Harry Potter has top billing, no matter how scary it looks Harry Potter WILL NOT DIE!

Harry almost gets eaten by a dragon, almost gets drown by mirpeople who are half octopus, almost gets crushed by a hedgrow, almost gets laid by a bookish bathroom ghost, almost gets shot by friendly magic missiles, almost gets blowed up by the bad guy from Movie 2, almost gets to dance with a chinese girl, almost gets burnt to a crisp by same dragon, almost gets shot by Bullethead Ruskieneck and almost gets brainfried by the school president.

But of course he's just fine.

The costumes and special effects were alot of fun, and I really loved Brendan Gleeson, just as I loved him in Braveheart and 28 Days Later. He's just a growly old bear and he's got this goggly eyepatch thing that is just hilarious.

Another fun thing is Hagrid actually get's laid! She's bigger than he is, and she eats food that was stuck in his beard. It had us rolling around on the floor!

Oh, did I mention that the GOBLET OF OMG is only on the screen for about two minutes? I mean, why not call it Harry Potter and the WIZ cup, which is on screen much longer.

All in all tho it's a very fun and entertaining movie. I say see it if you want to find out how Harry doesn't die.

Three out of five stars.